. .beYoND fOrgetting. .

I felt suddenly fragile, like every inch of me would suddenly, abruptly break. Maybe it was because of him. He sure does great in wounding me.

But still, he sure does make me happy though he doesn't even try.

My pain wasn't superficial. It was deeply buried, interminably carved inside. Maybe that was why I was jaded. Maybe I couldn't suppress the pain any longer.

Maybe that was why I willingly and piteously hope for that one perfect day to arrive. A perfect day when his smile would be just like every other insignificant smiles. A day when his memory will be forgotten and will bring no certain torment to my existence. A day when I could triumphantly get over him, and completely forget him.


I've been constantly waiting for that day, until now. I ached for the day when I wouldn't hope for the time to stand still when he's near. For the day when he would voluntarily vanish from my memory.

I want to hate him, to vehemently blame him for something he wasn't guilty of. And yes, I was unreasonable.

For the only thing he did was to not feel the same. And could I reproach him?


It wasn't his mistake that he didn't feel the same.It was a prerogative.


His prerogative to choose someone else. To choose me not.


So I'll gladly leave him. .

I left him but then everything was unusually unusual. . .the gloomy chirps of the birds, the ordinariness of the sunrise and the sunset, the bitterness of a chocolate..

Without him, my entire universe was in disorder, in chaos, but my bruised heart is intact.


Should I grasp him again to fix my distorted world?

I'd rather seize my heart as a whole. . .no matter how ruined my universe is with the emptiness of his existence.

I must not need him, when he doesn't even talk
.

I must not remember him, when he doesn't even know me.

I must like him not, when he doesn't even bother.

Yet. .I still need, still remember, still like him even in his absence.

I felt suddenly fragile, like every inch of me would suddenly, abruptly break. Maybe it was because of him.


Maybe it was because of me.


I know not who caused the pain. All I know is that it is painfully incurable, interminably irreparable and abOve all, it is beyond forgetting.